Warning: This was just a bunch of ugly crying being documented.

We officially decided we were done having children.

We took permanent measures to insure that we would no longer get pregnant.

It took its toll on me.

I carried, birthed, and fed two incredible little boys.

It’s so hard to imagine never experiencing those magical moments again.

While packing all the baby toys I just cried for the loss of unborn babies…

I cried for the loss of those “firsts”

First smile.

First noise.

First roll.

First head lift.

First hand and knee stance.

That little body wiggle…but not being able to crawl yet.

The drool…

The noises…

Those bright eyes seeing life for the first time.

Latching. Suckling.

Milk comas…

Finding their voice..

The way it only took my voice to make them smile and giggle…

It’s just so hard to imagine choosing not to experience that part of motherhood again…

As I stood in front of the camera I told those babies, the ones I would never be able to hold, goodbye..

I had to tear off the bandaid.

I had been collecting and organizing the baby toys for months.

Even knowing I had friends and family who would happily use them for their new little ones, I was still unable to bring myself to let go.

While Brandon has been home recovering, which is just him sitting on the couch with some ice in his lap while he plays Call of Duty, I decided to just deal with it all at once.

I’ll be fine. Our life is about to be so hectic… I’ll probably think to my self how I would have survived with another little one. But for now, it’s just hard for me.

So crazy knowing I have friends going through the opposite situation but feeling that overwhelming heartache and guilt for having those feelings.

They’re justified. Your feelings are justified.

One of my dearest friends ALWAYS reminds me of this important fact.

No matter what, you have a right to how you feel.

I love you all.

I try to remember the overwhelming feelings of not being enough for the two little men I’m trying to raise.

I try to remember that you can’t live every version of life, you have to choose the best one for you and your family.

I try to remember that I will have babies in my life.

I will have toddlers in  my life. I will have them, but they won’t be mine.. but I will have them. I am lucky.

I remember that I am so very very lucky.

It hurts. That’s justifiable.

I feel guilt.

I feel guilty for being capable when so many friends have struggled.

I feel guilty for the possible little people I will never be able to create…

I feel so much mom guilt.

Especially with Ryder asking for a baby in the house. Telling him that won’t be possible is heart wrenching…

It will take me some time.

For now, I have to fake it until I make it.

So today I will put a smile on and play with my little ones.

I will enjoy all their new firsts.

First preschool.

First daycare.

First teacher.

First friend.

It’ll be more than enough to fill that baby void. <3


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